PinnedMember-onlyElon Musk Pledges to End World Hunger Hashtag on TwitterSAN FRANCISCO — After officially taking the reins at Twitter, humanitarian Elon Musk met with UNICEF officials to pledge that he will end #WorldHunger once and for all. …News2 min readNews2 min read
PinnedMember-onlyPregnant Texan Registers as Corporation So Government Can’t Regulate HerHOUSTON — Local pregnant woman Marta Hidalgo has now registered as a corporation to retain full bodily autonomy after one of the country’s most restrictive abortion bills went into effect in the state of Texas, sources confirmed. “I am now known as Fallopian Rubes, Incorporated,” declared Hidalgo. “This so-called ‘heartbeat…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published inSlackjaw·PinnedMember-onlyI’m Bill Gates, And I’m Sick Of Waiting for Bezos’ And Musk’s Wealth To Trickle Down To MeWe, the people, deserve more. — Hello. My name is Bill Gates. I created a little tech company called Microsoft in 1975 with some other guy. Like many of you, I believed in the complete and utter bullshit of trickle-down economics for years and years. Today, I say enough is enough. The wealth that oligarchs Jeff…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Aug 14Member-onlyTexas Governor Abbott Revealed as Secret Consultant for Torture Traps in Upcoming “Saw X”LOS ANGELES — Saw X, which is expected to debut in theaters on September 29, 2023, is the upcoming 10th installment in the series. Known for its grisly violence and grotesque torture devices, the Saw franchise sought an unlikely source for creative inspiration this time around — Texas Governor Greg…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Jun 2Member-onlyCool Guy Profile: Jawas in OmanWhen I visited Oman in 2011, I met a Pakistani guy living and working there. He is AWESOMENESS incarnate. Enough said.Friendship2 min readFriendship2 min read
Apr 16Member-onlyCreative Writing Student Uses Tax Form as Mad Libs SubstituteNEW YORK — New York University creative writing major Dino Mancini, a senior in his final semester, decided to turn in a capstone project like no other: a tax form disguised as a Mad Libs exercise. “Taxes are bullshit,” grumbled Mancini. “Although to be honest, I don’t 100 percent know…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Mar 1Member-onlyThe Fountain of TruthA science fiction thriller grounded in philosophy. There is a room with a tightly-packed dirt floor, an elevated security camera in the corner, a digital clock hanging on a wall, and two metal buckets in the middle. Both containers are filled with liquid. There are two other rooms; one on…Science Fiction7 min readScience Fiction7 min read
Jan 3Member-onlyConsiderate Shoplifter Updates Inventory After Stealing From StoreMINOT, N.D. — A local shoplifter stole $300 worth of merchandise as well as the hearts of ApexLand employees at a neighborhood store. As inflation continues to climb, some area residents have been forced to abandon the morals they grew up with. …News3 min readNews3 min read
Dec 25, 2022Member-onlyHow You Can Designate One Side of Bed for Working Hard and the Other Side for Playing HardFollow these tips for optimizing your experience while you work and play from home. Work Hard, Play Hard. How many times have you had a company ram that motto down your throat? If you toil away in the corporate world, the adage is as common as meetings that could have been emails and “morale-boosting”…News4 min readNews4 min read
Dec 23, 2022Member-onlyMy Funniest Travel PicturesA picture is worth a thousand laughs. As an avid traveler (at least from what my budget allows), I do the best I can to live in the moment and limit the number of photos I take. I typically reserve snapshots for those that can’t be found on postcards or…Photography3 min readPhotography3 min read
