SAN FRANCISCO — After officially taking the reins at Twitter, humanitarian Elon Musk met with UNICEF officials to pledge that he will end #WorldHunger once and for all. Since the social media outlet’s debut in 2006, people from all over the world have complained that they have been starved for attention.
Twitter users have consistently criticized the original founders for refusing to take the issue seriously. They finally saw a beacon of hope in the down-to-earth multi-billionaire who founded SpaceX and Tesla, Inc. and runs them with only the help of a few billion dollars in government subsidies.
“I hate seeing people suffer,” said the 51-year-old entrepreneur. “When people log in to Twitter, I don’t want them to have to deal with depressing issues such as #WorldHunger. Twitter is a place to have fun and use a variety of slurs in the most creative ways possible. When people are light-heartedly threating to kill each other over conservative vs. liberal ideologies, the last thing they should be thinking about is #WorldHunger. The concept of politics has nothing to do with #WorldHunger.”
Musk quickly assured the Twitterverse that he still believes in his platform of limiting censorship.
“Although I fully support freedom of speech that isn’t critical of me, I do believe there are a few exceptions. This is one of them, and I believe my minions will agree because I will tell them to,” said Musk.
A senior official at UNICEF vouched for Musk’s commitment to keeping the internet a hellish, digital landscape of degeneracy while also eradicating #WorldHunger.
“He made it quite clear that Twitter will still be a safe space for ruffians to spew hatred and spread fake news,” said the official. “The thing I appreciate the most is that he doesn’t care if you are on the Left or the Right as long as you add nothing of substance to society. Let’s just all appreciate the fact that he has sacrificed so much to end #WorldHunger for every poor soul on the web. He is clearly using his money in the best way possible to make the world a better place.”
Musk added that he will continue his philanthropic streak by adopting every Dogecoin abandoned at tax shelters.