HOUSTON — Local pregnant woman Marta Hidalgo has now registered as a corporation to retain full bodily autonomy after one of the country’s most restrictive abortion bills went into effect in the state of Texas, sources confirmed. “I am now known as Fallopian Rubes, Incorporated,” declared Hidalgo. “This so-called ‘heartbeat…

We, the people, deserve more. — Hello. My name is Bill Gates. I created a little tech company called Microsoft in 1975 with some other guy. Like many of you, I believed in the complete and utter bullshit of trickle-down economics for years and years. Today, I say enough is enough. The wealth that oligarchs Jeff…

WASHINGTON — In a not-so-shocking move, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell pulled a stunt that would seemingly go against his best interests: he voted against the Respect for Marriage Act. This legislation would protect his interracial relationship with Elaine Chao, the first woman of Asian heritage to be elected to…

CHICAGO — Taylor Swift fans are angry that they won’t even have parking spots for the concert they won’t be able to attend. “I don’t even care that I won’t be able to see the show. I would just like to be able to hear the music in the parking…

DES MOINES, Iowa — While loading the car for the annual pilgrimage to the Navy Pier in Chicago, Jonas Seiler, a father of eight, confessed that he had to glance at the stick figure sticker on the back window to remember how many kids he was responsible for. “I just…

It’s a small world…at least on the internet. Do you wish to travel the world, but you are as poor as I am? Fear not! I have explored the United States and beyond to bring you a gallery full of surprises. However, you have to do your part too. …

I don’t choose you! — From the enigmatic electric mouse Pikachu to the majestically stubborn Charizard, there are plenty of Pokémon to love and root for. It doesn’t matter whether they are cute and cuddly or gargantuan and menacing. These qualities alone don’t dictate whether a Pokémon is stupid or not. I do. Some are…

If there were a Mount Rushmore of one-liner/short joke comedians, Mitch Hedberg would certainly be on it. He would most likely be joined by Rodney Dangerfield, Henny Youngman, and Steven Wright. Honorable mentions include Rita Rudner and Anthony Jeselnik. Demetri Martin is no slouch either. Mitch was in a class…