PinnedMember-onlyElon Musk Pledges to End World Hunger Hashtag on TwitterSAN FRANCISCO — After officially taking the reins at Twitter, humanitarian Elon Musk met with UNICEF officials to pledge that he will end #WorldHunger once and for all. …News2 min readNews2 min read
PinnedMember-onlyPregnant Texan Registers as Corporation So Government Can’t Regulate HerHOUSTON — Local pregnant woman Marta Hidalgo has now registered as a corporation to retain full bodily autonomy after one of the country’s most restrictive abortion bills went into effect in the state of Texas, sources confirmed. “I am now known as Fallopian Rubes, Incorporated,” declared Hidalgo. “This so-called ‘heartbeat…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published inSlackjaw·PinnedMember-onlyI’m Bill Gates, And I’m Sick Of Waiting for Bezos’ And Musk’s Wealth To Trickle Down To MeWe, the people, deserve more. — Hello. My name is Bill Gates. I created a little tech company called Microsoft in 1975 with some other guy. Like many of you, I believed in the complete and utter bullshit of trickle-down economics for years and years. Today, I say enough is enough. The wealth that oligarchs Jeff…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Oct 11Member-onlyIncredibly Simple Things That Made Me Feel Like a Complete BuffoonHave these common contraptions fooled you as well? I actually don’t particularly consider myself an intelligent person, but some of the items on this list are definitely things I should have no problem with. Alas, they have caused, and continue to cause, plenty of confusion and angst. Packaging TapeSatire4 min readSatire4 min read
Oct 7Member-onlyMy Rookie Soccer Card Is Now Worth $13,121.50Sure, I set the price on eBay, but still… Listing Description: Autographed Rookie Soccer Card of West Citrus Soccer Star Ken Ward. “The Asian Sensation” Ken Ward was a superstar soccer player in the West Citrus Soccer League, an organization about an hour north of Tampa. He was considered so good that…Satire2 min readSatire2 min read
Oct 6Member-onlySpirit Halloween Already Playing Christmas MusicPHILADELPHIA — Tom Florentino was reaching for a set of fake vampire teeth in an aisle of a local Spirit Halloween when he noticed that the soundtrack playing over the loudspeakers went straight from ‘Monster Mash’ to ‘White Christmas,’ stoned store employees confirmed. “I had to check my phone to…Satire2 min readSatire2 min read
Aug 14Member-onlyTexas Governor Abbott Revealed as Secret Consultant for Torture Traps in Upcoming “Saw X”LOS ANGELES — Saw X, which is expected to debut in theaters on September 29, 2023, is the upcoming 10th installment in the series. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Jun 2Member-onlyCool Guy Profile: Jawas in OmanWhen I visited Oman in 2011, I met a Pakistani guy living and working there. He is AWESOMENESS incarnate. Enough said.Friendship2 min readFriendship2 min read
Apr 16Member-onlyCreative Writing Student Uses Tax Form as Mad Libs SubstituteNEW YORK — New York University creative writing major Dino Mancini, a senior in his final semester, decided to turn in a capstone project like no other: a tax form disguised as a Mad Libs exercise. “Taxes are bullshit,” grumbled Mancini. “Although to be honest, I don’t 100 percent know…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Mar 1Member-onlyThe Fountain of TruthA science fiction thriller grounded in philosophy. There is a room with a tightly-packed dirt floor, an elevated security camera in the corner, a digital clock hanging on a wall, and two metal buckets in the middle. Both containers are filled with liquid. There are two other rooms; one on…Science Fiction7 min readScience Fiction7 min read
