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DENVER — The first recorded case of the highly-contagious H5N1 drone flu has been discovered in Colorado, public health officials confirmed.
“I wanted to catch one of the pigeon drones because I saw a YouTuber who told me I should go snatch one. If I did, she told me I could earn a custom emote of me riding a moose. Anyway, when I got ahold of one, it bit me, and I immediately detected a microchip flow into my veins,” claimed Jerry Lister, the infected man. “Only a few minutes later, I just felt so robotic. I could feel the desire to do things that only the government could make me feel. One of the side effects has been emailing my entire personal search history to the government. I also feel like slashing any type of budget. Thankfully, I think I only have a mild case. I haven’t felt the urge to run for office and take over a country.”
Apolonia Gorska, a self-proclaimed expert and professional “YouTube ‘resurcher,’” refuses to call the situation a conspiracy theory.
“Everyone has been calling it the bird flu, but we all know birds aren’t real, just like the moon,” asserted Gorska. “The Illuminati has been hiding all of this, but we knew the truth would be revealed someday. I had lunch with JFK, Jr. last week and, he confirmed everything I believed in. Sure, I had him tied up in my basement with duct tape on his mouth, but his…
