PHILADELPHIA — Tom Florentino was reaching for a set of fake vampire teeth in an aisle of a local Spirit Halloween when he noticed that the soundtrack playing over the loudspeakers went straight from ‘Monster Mash’ to ‘White Christmas,’ stoned store employees confirmed.
“I had to check my phone to see what day it was; what month is was!” said Florentino, who had been a regular customer of the shop since Sears closed in 2006. “I knew they were going to do it at some point because every store is doing it, but couldn’t they at least have tried to put a little Halloween spin on it?”
Florentino shook his head in disbelief as he slowly witnessed Christmas cheer eclipse Halloween horror.
“I might have accepted ‘You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch’, because the Grinch would most likely adopt the spirit of Halloween,” conceded Florentino. “I would definitely have been creeped out by ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’, but, come on. ‘White Christmas?’ I got sunburnt at the Shore last weekend. Here I am looking for fake blood to traumatize all the little kids in the neighborhood, and now I’m the one who has to go to therapy because all I can hear is that the treetops are glistening and sleigh bells are ringing when it’s 87 degrees outside!”
Store Manager Alisha Phillips said that she took the job just to make this happen.
“Halloween is just foreplay for Christmas,” said Phillips. “As a Christian, I would much rather work for a place called Spirit Christmas, but I haven’t found one yet. I always hear about stores around the city called Spirit Christmas, but I still have never seen one. I sent the Hallmark store 37 applications, but I haven’t heard back from any of them. Until then, I’m stuck here pretending that Halloween is Christmas.”
However, not everyone shared Florentino’s opinion of the sonic soundscapes. One customer even admitted to liking the music.
“I feel like I’m inside my car, and I have no idea what time it is because I’ve never changed the dashboard clock for daylight saving time,” said Darren Kincaid, a 43-year-old plumber from King of Prussia. “Halloween and Christmas are my two favorite times of the year, so it makes sense to me that they would combine them. It’s just like ketchup and steak!”
At press time, as soon as Florentino picked up a foam, red clown nose ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ immediately started playing.