LOS ANGELES — In the wake of the 10th anniversary of Charlie Sheen’s infamous “Tiger Blood” interview, more details have surfaced about his skill set regarding drugs, particularly his use of cocaine at a moment’s notice.
“I was always ready,” said Sheen. “If I didn’t have a credit card to cut the coke, I would use a hotel key card, a birthday card, or the cameraman’s AARP membership card if I had to. Although I preferred to snort through a hundred-dollar bill, I would make do with anything from a CVS receipt to my wedding vows written on a cocktail napkin. There was so much blow floating around that I often didn’t have time to plan anything elaborate. I had to use whatever was around me. That’s just one example of how I was bi-winning.”
Sheen, who is miraculously still alive at 55, has acted in a wide range of roles, from professional baseball player in “Major League” to caring husband in real life.
“When I say I was banging 7-gram rocks, I mean it. That was my go-to breakfast, along with some Quaker oatmeal. The reason I say I have tiger blood is because of my uncanny ability to find myself surrounded by fresh powder, much like a Siberian Tiger in a cold, Russian winter.”
Jon Crier, his co-star on the CBS comedy show “Two and a Half Men,” marveled at Sheen’s improvisational drug skills.
“I remember the moment I met Charlie. He went straight from shaking my hand to riding a rail off his sleeve,” said Crier. “It was a beautiful moment that made me live up to my last name. I burst into tears. Thankfully, I didn’t burst the balloon full of heroin I swallowed for him for his birthday party in Aruba. Anyway, some people think doing coke off a toilet in a club is gross, but that’s nothing compared to the time I saw Charlie take a bump off a cow chip when we were cow tipping somewhere outside Bakersfield.”
Sheen’s main dealer, who simply goes by “Spanky,” weighed in on the situation while also weighing a bag of weed.
“Charlie has always been one of my best customers,” said Spanky. “He was definitely on a drug called ‘Charlie Sheen.’ I tried to bottle the essence of it, but it evaporated into outer space. He claimed that if you borrowed his brain, you wouldn’t be able to handle it. I can verify with 100% certainty that this is true. I tried to borrow his brain, and he was right. I couldn’t handle it. I’ve partied with a lot of celebrities, but none of them could measure up to Charlie. Literally. For shits and giggles, we took bricks of coke and stacked them to the height of each actor or singer. Charlie isn’t particularly tall, but for some reason we always hung out with short, famous people such as Tom Cruise or Alf.”
Publicists for Cruise and Alf declined to comment on Spanky’s allegations. Sheen is currently on tour in Western Australia promoting some old toenail clippings.