Pregnant Texan Registers as Corporation So Government Can’t Regulate Her
HOUSTON — Local pregnant woman Marta Hidalgo has now registered as a corporation to retain full bodily autonomy after one of the country’s most restrictive abortion bills went into effect in the state of Texas, sources confirmed.
“I am now known as Fallopian Rubes, Incorporated,” declared Hidalgo. “This so-called ‘heartbeat bill’ is a slippery slope of epic proportions, so I had to find a legal loophole like a true American. I know it’s been said over and over by countless people, but I’ll be damned if I let the government tell me what to do with my body. To be honest, I don’t even want to get an abortion. It is way too important for me to spawn offspring that will counteract the insane levels of ignorance that prevail in the Lone Star State. Instead of a gender reveal, I will be announcing whether my fetus will be an LLC or a sole proprietorship.”
Many Texans obviously support the new law. Tanner Wolcotton, a hot tub sales representative from Plano, sees the bill as a win for everyone.
“Despite the CDC being a bitch about it, white boy summer has been great, and I believe every bro for years to come should be able to enjoy it as much as I have,” asserted Wolcotton. “This law is a great way to make sure that is possible. That is why I’m not a fan of Marta finding a way around this. I didn’t even know women were allowed to register as corporations. The next step is to outlaw that as well.”
Although Hidalgo is already facing backlash for her strategy, she remarked that she has big plans for Fallopian Rubes, Incorporated.
“I will be doing everything I can to make sure other women incorporate themselves,” boasted Hidalgo. “All the ‘Jesus Loves Babies’ billboards in the state will be replaced with a picture of me flipping the bird with the words ‘Ok, Womber’ right next to me. It is my dream that all ladies will be able to get abortions and then go have a beer in the park if they so choose.”
At press time, Hidalgo claimed that she is also considering registering as a church so she doesn’t have to pay taxes.
Update 9/14/21 (Not satire)
After the viral success of “Pregnant Texan Registers as Corporation So Government Can’t Regulate Her,” I (of FallopianRubes) have decided to merchandise one of the most popular phrases from the story.
You can purchase the coffee mug here. Cheers!