News Brief: No Tuna DNA Found in Subway Employees

Ken Taro
Jun 25, 2021

MILFORD, Conn. — Earlier this week, an independent lab discovered that tuna sandwiches at Subway restaurants in fact contained no actual tuna.

People began speculating that the absence of the fish in the food was the result of employees actually being part tuna, thus protecting their own species. The same lab confirmed that was not the case.

“After extensive testing on tissue samples of people working at Subway, we found that none of them were tunas in disguise,” assured a spokesperson for the lab.

However, the lab has yet to determine if staff members are partially ham or turkey.

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Ken Taro

Writer, satirist, and humorist. You can find my best work on my mom’s refrigerator.