Mitch McConnell Sneakily Files for Divorce From Asian Wife by Voting Against the “Respect for Marriage Act”
WASHINGTON — In a not-so-shocking move, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell pulled a stunt that would seemingly go against his best interests: he voted against the Respect for Marriage Act. This legislation would protect his interracial relationship with Elaine Chao, the first woman of Asian heritage to be elected to a presidential cabinet, according to reporters at NextShark, a news outlet dedicated to covering Asian and Asian American news. However, he opposed the proposed measure.
“Honestly, I’m so over my marriage, so I figured this would be the easiest way out of it,” said the U.S. senior Senator from Kentucky. “I said to Elaine, baby, my hands are tied at this point. You know, just like when you used to tie my hands to the bed posts and spank me while we watched Deliverance.”
Although many expected Chao to be devastated by the news, she told us that she was only upset that she hadn’t thought of it first.
“Mitch has always gotten ahead by getting people to vote against their own interests. It’s an art form, and it’s one of the things I admired most about him,” said Chao, a Taiwanese-American who previously served as the U.S. Secretary for Transportation under former President George H.W. Bush.
McConnell doubled down on his position.
“I live in Kentucky,” said McConnell, “so as long as incest is intact, we will have no problems. I know this is low-hanging fruit as this point, but hey, what’s more common here, interracial relationships or intrafamilial ones?”
Clarence Thomas, an associate justice of the Supreme Court of the United States said that he would work on more restrictive measures that would make McConnell look as progressive as Bernie Sanders.