Judge Sentences Kyle Rittenhouse to 6 Months in Police Academy
KENOSHA, Wis. — Circuit Judge Bruce Schroeder ruled that Kyle Rittenhouse would be required to undergo extended training at the police academy no matter what the jury decides, an insider at the courthouse confirmed.
“I take Mr. Rittenhouse’s actions very seriously,” stated Judge Schroeder. “He only managed to take out two of his targets while the third one survived. He also left too many witnesses. He needs to take a timeout and think about what he has done. A few extra months of pretending to read the training materials is exactly what this kid needs.”
Police recruiter Tom Watkins said that the ruling was too severe.
“I think the judge is being a bit unfair,” admitted Watkins. “Don’t get me wrong, the kid has some things to learn, but I think he has suffered enough. There is no reason to keep him bored in a classroom when we know he is capable of much more. He already shot three people and claimed self-defense without even being on the force. It takes years for some of our veterans to perfect those techniques.”
Watkins, a college football fan, instituted a recruiting system within his department that imitates the one scouts use to evaluate talent among high school football players.
“He started as a three-star recruit after he got a speeding ticket and drove without a license,” analyzed Watkins. “We bumped him up to four stars after he allegedly beat up a girl. He finally shot up to five stars after that fateful night at Kenosha. He has a lot of raw talent, and he is definitely someone we want on our team. I believe he can become a starter on day one.”
The defendant, who is on trial for killing two men and wounding another, was understandably shaken after finding out his fate.
“I should have taken a plea bargain,” cried Rittenhouse. “I was hoping to be out of the academy after a month or two. Now, I have to waste my time sitting behind a desk instead of doing what I do best, which is shooting members of the community while claiming to be protecting and serving them.”
At press time, Rittenhouse was spotted snorting a line of cocaine and then planting the bag on a sleeping homeless person.