How I Lost 50 Pounds by Simply Lying on My Driver’s License

Ken Taro
2 min readAug 28, 2021
Photo by Samuel Ramos on Unsplash

Many people struggle to lose massive amounts of weight, but they don’t have to. I was able to shed half a hundred lbs just by lying to the government! The great thing is that you can follow in my footsteps.

You can even choose just how much you want to get rid of. Those bureaucrat buffoons don’t keep a scale at the counter. They only verify your eyesight, like that’s important? Anyway, I felt so exhilarated that I exaggerated my height as well. I am 5'11 3/4" in real life, so I rounded up to an even 8 feet. However, if you feel that this strategy is not for you, here are a few more methods to attempt:

  1. Buy a broken scale — You can set the weight to any amount you want. One bonus feature of this is that you can trick your houseguests as well.
  2. Use your imagination — No one said you have to live in reality. As long as you can count to 100 or 200 pounds, you’re more than welcome to pick your own measurements.
  3. Fly to the moon — It is all the rage to rent a rocket and launch yourself to outer space these days. Apparently, shifts in gravity can make you weigh less or something. I don’t really know, to be honest. The only prerequisite is that you need to be a billionaire, or at least be chummy with one.

There are also several approaches that you should NOT try:

  1. Throw yourself into a wood chipper — They are expensive and you can do irreparable damage to yourself. Even if you try to borrow someone else’s equipment, they will most likely be hesitant because you could damage the blades.
  2. Eat healthy foods and exercise regularly — BORING. Enough said.
  3. Vacuum seal yourself like a chicken cutlet — You will only be surrendering some air in your lungs, so it’s not really worth the discomfort.

No matter what technique you use, just know that you are already as fabulous as you want to be.

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Ken Taro

Writer, satirist, and humorist. You can find my best work on my mom’s refrigerator.