Elizabeth Warren Steals Dinner Reservation From Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland
WASHINGTON — Controversy reared its ugly head at a restaurant in the nation’s capital city after Senator Elizabeth Warren usurped a 7 p.m. dinner reservation from Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland, sources confirmed.
“I didn’t want to do that to Secretary Haaland, but this was an important meeting that needed to happen as soon as possible,” explained Warren. “Some fellow Senators and I are forming a committee to address the dire needs of Native Americans in this great country. I was chosen to lead the commission because of the close ties I maintain with my Indigenous community.”
However, Warren contended that she didn’t leave Haaland out in the cold because of their tribal kinship.
“Deb would be the first to admit we are blood sisters,” assured Warren. “Our people have struggled for hundreds of years, so it is nice to have someone else in the upper echelons of our government who shares my pain.”
Warren, who holds trace amounts of Native American ancestry, has come under fire before for using her background to her advantage.
“I certainly didn’t mean for this fiasco to happen,” continued Warren. “In fact, I resolved the matter by securing her a table for two inside one of the wheelchair-accessible bathrooms. Sure, there were eight people in her party, but I’m certain they would have no problem rotating in and out.”
Haaland was unable to respond with a statement because she was trapped inside with the night shift cleaning crew.
At press time, Warren has just acquired a 1/1024 stake in 23andMe, Inc., a company dedicated to helping customers find their ancestral makeup.
Author’s note: I am a biracial Okinawan, an Indigenous group of people native to the southern islands of Japan, who are currently under occupation by the governments of Japan and the United States. Indigenous lands must be returned to the people.
This by no means signifies that you should not celebrate any heritage you are proud of having. Just be aware of who is profiting from any marginalization.