MINOT, N.D. — A local shoplifter stole $300 worth of merchandise as well as the hearts of ApexLand employees at a neighborhood store. As inflation continues to climb, some area residents have been forced to abandon the morals they grew up with. As long as he was stealing, sheet metal worker Oliver Samuelson decided he would still find a way to contribute to the positive energy of the store: he left notes that updated the inventory after pilfering select goods from the location, a store employee confirmed.
“Look, I recently go laid off from my job as a sheet metal worker,” revealed Samuelson as he shook his head in embarrassment. “I’m just trying pull myself up by my steel toe bootstraps. However, I don’t feel too bad for the company I’m stealing from because it’s a giant corporation, so I don’t really care what happens to them. I’ve only been stealing diapers and baby formula to keep my kids happy. And, alright, I did take a waffle maker because waffles are fucking delicious. But, other than that, it was only necessities.”
He admitted that he did feel bad for the everyday employees.
“I don’t want to hurt them at all. I just know the bottom line isn’t going to really affect them,” said Samuelson in a hopeful tone. “I want to take care of the hard-working people who deal with the general population every day. Some say that is a job that doesn’t require skill, but have you ever dealt with someone trying to return a Lean Cuisine that they already ate the entire contents of and then they blame it on you? That takes the patience of a saint.”
“That is why I am not a dumbass who licks the ice cream and puts it back in the freezer. That’s despicable. Don’t get me wrong. I did tons of dumb shit when I was a kid. I licked some unknown slime off the outside of a bowling alley just because my friends dared me to, not so that I would become internet famous. This was before internet clout was even a thing.”
Tina Santos, a 17-year veteran of the store, said she doesn’t care about the shoplifting at all.
“I am so happy this dude is doing this,” smiled Tina. “I make a fraction of what the executives make, so that is not an issue. I’ve literally seen dudes just walk out of the store with 75” TVs. It’s…