ATLANTA — After watching scores of citizens hoarding gasoline in plastic grocery bags and laundry baskets at their local Shell stations, the Centers for Disease Control revealed they had a tough decision to make: whether or not they should even bother warning Americans to avoid drinking fuel.
“I don’t even know what the fuck is going on anymore,” scoffed CDC Director Rochelle P. Walensky, MD, MPH, in a private interview. “Although it is my sworn duty to promote the general health of our population, I am starting to rethink my strategies. I’ve gotten to the point where I might actually recommend consuming gasoline so that people will do the opposite.”
“It is my medical and professional opinion that stupidity is the number one public health crisis at the moment,” continued Dr. Walenski. “We employ hundreds of scientists and doctors who earned advanced degrees from Harvard, Johns Hopkins, MIT, etc., but much of the general populace would rather believe a meme some random guy who believes in lizard people made on Windows 95 and then shared on Facebook.”
Just as Dr. Walenski suspected, many people admitted they would ignore the organization’s guidelines anyway.
“I don’t trust the CDC or that Faucet guy,” snarled Cletus Johnson, a QAnon conspiracy theorist. “I have to do my own research, even if it means drinking gas. Have I drunk gasoline before? Of course, I have. Sure, I’m blind in one eye and my liver makes a continuous clicking sound that prevents me from sleeping, but that is the price to pay for not being a sheep.”
Dr. Joao Oliveira, a sociologist at Northwestern University, said there is a strong correlation between this community and folks who still use flip phones.
“For these people, a fact doesn’t necessarily have to be true,” claimed Dr. Oliveira. “They won’t believe anything from anyone who doesn’t have an eagle holding a machine gun in its talons as their Facebook profile picture. The interesting thing is that this applies across all socioeconomic levels, as long as they are cut from the same cloth.”
At press time, Dr. Walensky said she was also conflicted about the CDC’s stance on sniffing glue.