PinnedMember-onlyElon Musk Pledges to End World Hunger Hashtag on TwitterSAN FRANCISCO — After officially taking the reins at Twitter, humanitarian Elon Musk met with UNICEF officials to pledge that he will end #WorldHunger once and for all. …News2 min readNews2 min read
PinnedMember-onlyPregnant Texan Registers as Corporation So Government Can’t Regulate HerHOUSTON — Local pregnant woman Marta Hidalgo has now registered as a corporation to retain full bodily autonomy after one of the country’s most restrictive abortion bills went into effect in the state of Texas, sources confirmed. “I am now known as Fallopian Rubes, Incorporated,” declared Hidalgo. “This so-called ‘heartbeat…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published in Slackjaw·PinnedMember-onlyI’m Bill Gates, And I’m Sick Of Waiting for Bezos’ And Musk’s Wealth To Trickle Down To MeWe, the people, deserve more. — Hello. My name is Bill Gates. I created a little tech company called Microsoft in 1975 with some other guy. Like many of you, I believed in the complete and utter bullshit of trickle-down economics for years and years. Today, I say enough is enough. The wealth that oligarchs Jeff…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Jan 3Member-onlyConsiderate Shoplifter Updates Inventory After Stealing From StoreMINOT, N.D. — A local shoplifter stole $300 worth of merchandise as well as the hearts of ApexLand employees at a neighborhood store. As inflation continues to climb, some area residents have been forced to abandon the morals they grew up with. …News3 min readNews3 min read
Dec 25, 2022Member-onlyHow You Can Designate One Side of Bed for Working Hard and the Other Side for Playing HardFollow these tips for optimizing your experience while you work and play from home. Work Hard, Play Hard. How many times have you had a company ram that motto down your throat? If you toil away in the corporate world, the adage is as common as meetings that could have been emails and “morale-boosting”…News4 min readNews4 min read
Dec 23, 2022Member-onlyMy Funniest Travel PicturesA picture is worth a thousand laughs. As an avid traveler (at least from what my budget allows), I do the best I can to live in the moment and limit the number of photos I take. I typically reserve snapshots for those that can’t be found on postcards or…Photography3 min readPhotography3 min read
Dec 21, 2022Member-onlyNews Brief: Competitive Eater Still Haunted by Ghost Pepper Challenge LossPHILADELPHIA — At Philadelphia’s annual “Dragon Breath” pepper eating contest, contestant Pat Barese didn’t have the fire in the belly necessary to wolf down all 50 ghost peppers on his plate. …Food1 min readFood1 min read
Dec 6, 2022Member-onlyI’m Smarter Than Elon MuskWhy? I think we should go to Jupiter, and Jupiter is farther than Mars. Many people applaud Elon Musk for his visionary ambitions. …Elon Musk2 min readElon Musk2 min read
Nov 22, 2022Member-onlyMitch McConnell Sneakily Files for Divorce From Asian Wife by Voting Against the “Respect for Marriage Act”WASHINGTON — In a not-so-shocking move, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell pulled a stunt that would seemingly go against his best interests: he voted against the Respect for Marriage Act. This legislation would protect his interracial relationship with Elaine Chao, the first woman of Asian heritage to be elected to…News2 min readNews2 min read
Nov 18, 2022Member-onlyTicketmaster Crashes After Taylor Swift Concert Parking Space Pre-Sale Orders Exceed DemandCHICAGO — Taylor Swift fans are angry that they won’t even have parking spots for the concert they won’t be able to attend. “I don’t even care that I won’t be able to see the show. I would just like to be able to hear the music in the parking…Music2 min readMusic2 min read
