Hello. My name is Bill Gates. I created a little tech company called Microsoft in 1975 with some other guy. Like many of you, I believed in the complete and utter bullshit of trickle-down economics for years and years. Today, I say enough is enough.
The wealth that oligarchs Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have amassed is obscene, disgusting, and sickening. As of this writing, Bezos’ net worth stands at $193 billion, while Musk’s lurks closely behind at $190 billion. With mine at a paltry $122 billion, I can’t help but feel the boots of their tyranny crushing my weathered…
WASHINGTON — Controversy reared its ugly head at a restaurant in the nation’s capital city after Senator Elizabeth Warren usurped a 7 p.m. dinner reservation from Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland, sources confirmed.
“I didn’t want to do that to Secretary Haaland, but this was an important meeting that needed to happen as soon as possible,” explained Warren. “Some fellow Senators and I are forming a committee to address the dire needs of Native Americans in this great country. I was chosen to lead the commission because of the close ties I maintain with my Indigenous community.”
MILFORD, Conn. — Earlier this week, an independent lab discovered that tuna sandwiches at Subway restaurants in fact contained no actual tuna.
People began speculating that the absence of the fish in the food was the result of employees actually being part tuna, thus protecting their own species. The same lab confirmed that was not the case.
“After extensive testing on tissue samples of people working at Subway, we found that none of them were tunas in disguise,” assured a spokesperson for the lab.
However, the lab has yet to determine if staff members are partially ham or turkey.
“Good Lord, I bought one Avril Lavigne CD from the Sam Goody store inside the King of Prussia Mall, and they wouldn’t stop blowing up my phone.” — Dr. Shirley Ann Jackson, caller ID (1970s)…
To find out the rest of these shocking revelations that you won’t find in history books, check out the story at Points in Case
ATLANTA — After watching scores of citizens hoarding gasoline in plastic grocery bags and laundry baskets at their local Shell stations, the Centers for Disease Control revealed they had a tough decision to make: whether or not they should even bother warning Americans to avoid drinking fuel.
“I don’t even know what the fuck is going on anymore,” scoffed CDC Director Rochelle P. Walensky, MD, MPH, in a private interview. “Although it is my sworn duty to promote the general health of our population, I am starting to rethink my strategies. …
Writer, satirist, and humorist. You can find my best work on my mom’s refrigerator.